I LOVE where I live, I can't imagin wanting to be anywhere else, but.... There are days that I just stuggle. Growing up I had the best friends anyone could ask for. Then I married Nate and moved a distance away from them, but then I was always at work with my really great friend Amber. Then came England, living in England with the Mumford's, Kate and I became the greatest of friends. After England we moved to Vegas and again there, I made an ingredible group of friends that just made me feel so great. Then came Idaho, we moved to Pocatello and living in Pocatello was just a different world than I was used to. Kyle was very much a new born and experiencing so many changes, quickly, I really began to struggle as I never made the connections I have always had. So then I started to suffer from the word I never wanted to say out loud, depression. Now being where we are I feel like there are amazing women all around me, but I am feeling so shy from the changes in my self esteem I experianced by allowing my self to experiance depression. I have been here for three years now. Like I said I love it here, but most days I feel like I have friendly acquittance's, and I feel like I am the outsider wanting to fit in with the "cool kids".
So last night while with a group of amazing women who I really like, I also felt so weird. I am sad because I don't like feeling down. I am sad because I feel like I haven't gotten past the shy feelings I have had since dealing with the depression. I am sad because I wonder who in this town really knows me? Do I really know me? Will I have the connections that I have had before? Have you ever felt alone when you are in a crowded room?
I guess this is just my vent. I didn't really want to talk about my feelings, not sure who to talk to. So here I am typing all these feelings making me feel like a crazy person. But, whats a person to do? Keep it bottled up? No! I do have some solis knowing there are VERY few people who read my blog.... everyone gave up on me blogging along time ago. Sorry.
May Stuff
10 years ago
8 comments:
Dear Ang-
Venting is good. I do it every day. I sat down at the computer for a few minutes while I wait for my mom to get back- I get to go be with Lolly today. I'm so glad you took time to write your feelings down. I've actually been concerned about you for the past few years, and never really wanted to pry, but I've been worried. Please just know that you belong here. We all want you for our friend. I was so honored that you would take time to come down last night. I appreciate the support you have been to me, and I cound you among my very dear friends.
Love, Robbie
P.S. Deptression stinks.
I didn't give up on your blogging! I think about every women I know has suffered from some type of depression in their life. The older I have gotten the more moods I have experienced. Not sure why we have to deal with it but I am sure it helps us relate with others or be more sympathetic. What you are feeling is so normal, but I know from experience you are a very likable person and their are probably lots around you who are feeling the same way. Wish you lived closer!
I felt the same way for a LONG time when I first moved to my house. I had a lot of acquaintances, people I could talk to at Relief Society meetings etc, but no one I could call if I was having a bad day. No one I felt comfortable hanging out with one on one.
You're not alone. And It won't last forever. I prayed about it a lot, and eventually things got better. I was inspired in the right direction for me to bring me comfort, and I'm very happy here now.
And depression isn't something you "allow yourself to experience". Usually it's something unwanted, which is thrust upon you and you figure out how to deal with it as best you can.
I hope you will find that friend who needs you as much as you need her.
Hugs from here,
Kim
I hope you know you are such a cool kid! Glad you are blogging!!
Well, I think you're one of the cool kids! Don't get so down on yourself. You. Are. Amazing!!!! Hands down. Ask Nate for a blessing....just an idea. Take one day at a time and just be you. You know who you are. You're strong and beautiful (pretty...hee hee) and talented and I could go on and on.
I miss you and wish we lived closer to each other. But you're still a great friend - even if we are 2 hours apart :)
Love ya!!!
Angela,
I'm sorry to hear that you've been dealing with depression. I've experienced that too and it's hard to bounce back from it, but it sounds like you're getting there!! :)
And, I totally had the same pity party yesterday/today! Kirk and I just moved back to Houston, but to a completely different part than where I am from and I feel like I'm dating again...except for friends now, not a spouse.
It sounds like from your other post that you're feeling better. I know we'll both make it...we just gotta keep trying! :)
Ang, I consider you one of my close friends here. You are an amazing woman. I was so glad you were able to go with all of us to SL the other night. It was fun times!
Ang, I think a lot of us have been there, not that that makes it any easier, but I know exactly how you feel. I struggled (and continue to struggle) living in our new place. Even with my family sometimes I feel like an outsider because I don't get to see them as much as they see each other. Don't be ashamed that are dealing with the dreaded word, honestly, I think we all have to face it at some point. I love you so much, and wish that we lived closer, but until that day we have all sorts of communication to lean on. Hang in there, sweetie, you are, and will ALWAYS be, my very Best Friend. :) Love you!
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